Wouldn't you want me to tell you if you were crusty? It would be rude for me not to bring it to your attention. I’ve been saving this one for a bit because I wanted to make sure you were committed to reading this through. I didn’t want this to be taken out of context or outside of the parameters of how it was intended. This is the not-so-nice part of being a Cactus. We have to learn, like it or not, the best from our worst moments and find use for the intensely painful, hard won, perspective stretching takeaways. Not everything about being a cactus is wonderful and a big part of this is figuring out how to take our difficult circumstances and make them life-giving spines not thorns.
Here's the good news.
We can lead people. In fact, many of us are in leadership positions within our home, workplace, religious entity, etc. Our unicorn introvert status provides us the flexibility to show up in very powerful positions. We are personable, likable, and in most cases, sought out in group situations. Some might call us charismatic. We have the ability to show up and do things in a way that many would never guess that we prefer alone time over social hour. Or that some of us prefer to lead rather than be led because at least that gives us an idea of where we are headed aka control.
Cacti folks, we can’t stand being surprised or taken unaware. This, almost always, relates to our moment when everything changed. You get to fill in the blank with your moment. Maybe it involved terror or loss of control, character assassination or physical safety, pain or being silenced, brokenness or paradigm shifting, or any combination. That was your moment and everything that came and happened in the aftermath is yours and yours alone. Remember what we have talked about before - no one gets to decide for you. Hard truth: You need to know this. You have the innate ability to manipulate, I mean, LEAD people. You have learned to reserve the manipulation part for very particular situations. This is where some of us become Crusty Cacti and some of us become Candied Cacti.
There are two paths. Which one are you on?
Imagine two roads. One has been bush hogged (HUGE mower if you aren’t country like me) and cleared and is pretty and manicured. Looks like the easiest path. Or we can take the other one that is full of potholes that you can’t even see because the brush is soooo thick and tree coverage is so dense that you must shake your head and mutter…”that old dog won’t hunt.” You see we have a fork in the road. One looks amazingly easy and one looks impassible. Impossible. Implausible. If we choose the easy path which looks good but always leads us away from true north it will certainly lead us to the place where the cacti are crusty and manipulators run wild. The path to become candied is treacherous. Trying. Tumultuous. Tough. But, if I had to choose between being Candied or being Crusty - I will take the sweet (yet tough) route every time.
Because of our life experiences, we tend to have a perspective on life that few others besides fellow Cacti share. Some of that has left of us feeling bitter, broken, lost, malicious, and even vicious. I call this the Crusty Cacti. There is a section of our membership that makes manipulation their home base. They like all the negative parts of our spiny selves and really use them to hurt others. This can give us - the Candied Cacti - a bad wrap.
Warning: A Crusty Cactus will cut you just to watch you bleed: emotionally, mentally, physically. Then they may laugh about it, because to them watching someone else hurt is satisfying. Riveting. Addictive. Simply put: “Hurt people hurt people.” (Shout-out to Pastor Chris Edmondson, One Church, for this one). Just like Crusty Cacti, Candied Cacti know what it feels like to be hurt and we know the difference between a super-power and a weapon. A Candied Cactus knows that he/she possesses that power but has refined their hurt into a tool that is never meant for meanness. This is why it is so important that we know the power of our spines.
We must learn to spot a Crusty Cactus and know how we differ from them. We must be able to consciously choose leadership over manipulation. Leadership and manipulation can be separated by a very fine line. One is right and one is wrong. If you’ve met a Crusty Cactus and manipulation has been a tool used against you in your life, then you know the damage a manipulative spirit can do. If not properly harnessed, it is a collection of dangerous armaments ( big weapons for those about to google this word). Manipulation and those who do it, have been taught by experience. Learning a skill and being taught by experience are both valuable types of learning and serves as a guide for us on how to navigate life.
To Manipulate or Lead...that is the Question
To choose to manipulate or lead is the choice and it is the intention behind it that counts.
Here is a very basic example: Think of the kid who knows just how to play their parent by pitching a royal fit in the market. They know that if they escalate it to a point of tears, snot running everywhere, kicking and writhing on the floor, window-shattering decibel screaming type of tantrum then they get what they want. The next time they know exactly how to get their way. This taught behavior becomes the modus operandi for this little guy/gal. Method to their madness: self serving intentions. Is this an end of the world example? No. Is this, truthfully, going to determine this child’s future? Probably not. Unless it does. In which case, a selfish, uncaring individual has just developed.
This is just one example. There could be 8 million others but I know you all are smart and get what I’m putting down. Now I’m not saying this child is a sociopath. We have all, at one time or another, been this kind of monster child. We were just probably dealing with some big emotions at the time and that is COMPLETELY normal. It shows real maturity in our lives when, as adults, we don’t have a ‘come apart’ in the store because someone won’t buy us a piece of candy or that toy. We realize that throwing tantrums to get what we want is not the best way to operate. Or at least we should, right?
Dangerous manipulators have been taught by negative experiences or operate with harmful intentions in mind. A manipulator has a goal that best benefits them and then convinces people it is what they want too. Again this doesn’t always have detrimental results but it is the intention behind it that is bad. They will become so consumed with what they want, that they neglect the needs of others and forget the ability to be sincere in their motives.
Leadership is part innate ability and part learned skill. The best leaders almost always have a mentor or someone that they hold to high esteem and model their style after. A great leader is someone who spends time honing their craft. A leader does things because it is the best benefit for the collective group. Here’s an example: A kindergarten class is sitting on their classroom floor enjoying some free play time. When the teacher instructs them that the playtime is up, the natural born-leader in the form of a 35 pound tyke is the first to start the process of cleaning up. The rest of the class follows their leader. This tyke has just demonstrated what it looks like to lead by example.
Manipulation, once we become conscious beings and are of the age of competency in our actions, is a choice. It can arise out of lack of communication of our valid needs or wants or it can be the tool we use to weaponize our words and behaviors to hurt others. For example, a domestic violence survivor, their abuser was most likely a master at this. They were always the person responsible for creating the chaos, dysfunction, environment for violence. Another more popular term for this type of behavior is gaslighting, however it doesn’t matter what you call it, it comes down to manipulation and control. Survivors of abuse, especially childhood or familial abuse, understand this to their core; they were waiting for a leader to show up and instead they got a manipulator. Crusty Cacti will tell on themselves. They always do. They show themselves and what they do, eventually, comes to light.
The road to Candy Land or Trouble
This is where it becomes more than a couple of childhood games. Here we are standing at the fork in the road with a choice. Are you crusty or are you candied? Do you lead from a servant’s heart or dictate from a self-righteous lectern? Our thoughts determine our actions and our actions determine our steps. I warn you that the pretty easy path will send you toward an unhealthy place. You will find that you lose yourself there on that pretty path. Do not let someone mislabel you. Never give anyone a reason to suspect you might be more crusty than candied.
The truth is in the weeds. The hurt gets healed among the briars. Progress is made on the imperfect path. The tough road isn’t the easy road. But “anything worth doing is worth doing right.”(-Hunter S. Thompson) If you think you may be on the crusty side, it isn’t too late for you. You can do an about face at any time. You may not be able to reconcile all the damage done but it is never too late to try. You can head back toward that hard, unruly vegetated path and begin what you should have done so long ago…My precious crusty cactus, lay that down. For good.
Choose leadership. We would love to welcome you into our Candied land.
Choose to be someone that leads by example. Choose to be someone who shows up for people because it is the right thing to do. Choose to put your persona or ego aside and love people. Choose healing over hurt. Choose good regardless of the bad that has happened to you. You are not what happened to you, you are a product of what happened. Give yourself the choice to turn that junk into some sweet, tangy, refreshing lemonade that you’ll be sippin’ on under that damn lemon tree. And offer others a drink, sit with them, let them be broken with you and be worthy of their trust in you. Let them see your sweet candied spines. Be someone who someone can lean into without risk of being hurt by your spines. Be someone who leads, first, with kindness and secondly, with words which need to be spoken. Go where the lemonade is good, the sunshine is warm, and the Candied Cacti are plentiful. We are busy building a revolution of shade-less Cactaceae (Don’t ask me how to pronounce this! I can’t do it.). Long word short, a plant family not based on relation but on shared perspectives born out of inconceivable hurt. Crusty Cacti need not apply.
Blending In? Not a chance.
Friends, fellow cacti, we stick out. Literally. We stick out like a sore thumb. We carry ourselves differently. I can spot one of our tribe from a mile away. It is written on most of our faces, some of us have the literal scars to prove it. It is in how we carry our body, guarded and spatially phobic or at least cautious. It is where we locate ourselves in a room. It is in how we choose to enter and leave said room. It is in how we engage or disengage. It is in who and for what purpose we choose to share our stories with. It is in how your foot is shaking or your leg is moving as you read this. Is this spot on or what? Now you know that you too have the power to recognize a fellow cactus.
Learning to stand back up and brush ourselves off, straighten our spines, and begin to step one foot in front of the other is no small accomplishment. But as you rise, look around…I guarantee with this newfound perspective you’ll spot our fellow cacti with ease. Remember, you’re Candied Cacti which means you’ll offer them a hand and help them up because it’s what we do.
Natalie Blackmon, M.S. in Human Development and Leadership
Trauma-Informed Yoga Instructor
Editor Credits: Becky Simmons
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