Feeling crowded?
People watching is my favorite. Not in a creepy, weird way but a curious observation kinda way. People are fascinating. Set me up in a public place, preferably back to the wall with a view of all potential exits, places for retreat, and I can watch people for hours. If the setting is a social setting, where people are looking for a husband, girlfriend, date, etc. - even better. That is prime people watching, right there and even
more proof that I would not make it in the dating world. Cacti folks, we are not cut out for whatever it is that people do now. The process to find their person, who they want to hang out with and share deodorant and toothbrushes with if times get tough. Not a chance. If I ever find myself single, I’ll be on my couch in my stretchy pants, surrounded by a mountain of books, diet coke, and a plethora of snacks.
If I am given the choice to socialize or sit somewhere quiet with a book or just my thoughts, I will take the latter - every. damn. time. I am not ashamed. This is me. You know if I’m talking to you. And if you expect me to have a ton to say, unless we are talking some deep stuff, forget about it. Which brings me to one of our lovely spines: you legitimately can't hide your disdain for small talk. Am I the only one that shudders thinking of small talk? My go to is weather…so now you know if I talk to you about the weather - I have zero interest in the conversation. This type of conversation makes me itchy. I can’t be the only one.
You want me to ‘people’ today?
I do not dislike talking to people as a general rule. Most of us, cactus, love people. We do. We just don’t necessarily want to hang out with them. Truth nugget. I just find myself preferring activities that do not require my social engagement. There is nothing wrong with this, until there is. Because we are mainly extroverted introverts, or as I affectionately term us Unicorn introverts, we can be personable and very engaging. It just takes a lot from us. It can leave us a little wilted.
I don’t know about you but I have the gift of picking apart every conversation I have…for hidden meaning (insert eye roll). This is a two part super power. Part learned skill and part curse. So much anxiety surrounds this, er, gift. You feel me? This is why small talk is equivalent to having my feet filed during a pedicure. It doesn’t hurt but it isn’t comfortable. It kinda tickles but in an irritating way and it can leave you feeling raw and exposed. Yes, small talk is a Candied Cactus torture device.
Now I am not saying we should forgo saying hi and exchanging pleasantries. Who doesn’t love to get a compliment from a stranger. I encourage you to try to crank out one compliment each day. Maybe a stranger’s smile, co-worker’s shoes, someone’s dog - you get the idea. It costs you nothing and may just make someone’s day. Beauty of speaking to a stranger is you can drop that sweet bomb and walk away - no small talk! And better yet, it doesn’t include physical touch - Thank you, Jesus. (This will be thoroughly discussed in a future blog. Physical touch...shudder). The Cacti tribe very much values personal space. Because again we have the super power of picking every interaction apart and analyzing our responses to them. And usually we create whole conversations in our head about that interaction…I’m not saying we hear voices but I’m saying our inner voice tends to be pretty self-critical. We don’t relish in meanness or aloofness but this spine kinda protects the easy-to-bruise part of all of us…our feelings. And yes, even the prickliest of us, have feelings. The only ones disconnected enough to think they don’t have them or don’t choose to feel them are, typically, the most delicate of us all.
The everyday pleasantries are important for day-to-day life and being a kind person. Kindness is important to us. Us, Candied Cacti, are such caring folks but we operate best in meaningful conversations. We, typically, really enjoy talking about stuff that matters. We are usually super intuitive to the needs of others. And we most often put others’ needs before our own (Fawn response). Once we’ve had enough and we just can’t take on any more, we cycle into a time of re-building or personal growth. This is when we may choose to distance ourselves from others so we can recharge. This can sometimes be a very long process and those non-cacti friends won’t understand it and it can really strain relationships. It isn’t anyone’s fault that we do this - it is just our process.
Wanna know how I know all this? I’ve lived it. Trauma response. I know I keep saying this but it is truly the one phrase, two words, that wrecks so many of us. I’ve included some common Cacti Qualities and a little translation guide to unpack this whole big ol’ bag of suck.
Cacti Deciphering Tool
Unicorn Cacti Quality
| Cacti Translation Gadget (AKA The Why) |
We prefer one-on-one or small group conversations. | Because it is easier to gauge everyone’s feelings and responses, so that we can understand them more deeply. Great quality. But few return the favor, leaving said unicorn, feeling unheard. |
We are protective and try to use that information to honor those in the conversations… | It is important to us to make sure everyone is equally considered in collective conversations. But we will sacrifice ourselves for the greater good in situations. |
We like to keep it small and meaningful. | As we feel we can have some control in what we choose to participate in and the direction of the conversation. This helps ease our fear of being in unpredictable situations. Helpful but not entirely a healthy reason for this response. One word: control. |
We are not always sure we feel safe in the situation or do not want to speak up and appear vulnerable. | It is complicated. Because we know what it feels like to be vulnerable and it got us hurt, vulnerability feels very over-exposing to us. This may be the same for every human but multiply it x10 for a Cactus. |
We tend to hold back so that we don’t affect others’ emotions. | Simply put: we withhold. We know what this feels like on a gut level. We hate it. It hurts. It stinks. We work hard not to do this to others even if that means swallowing our emotions, needs, etc. |
Prickly Tool
All 5!: Certified Cactus, the prickliest of them all. Congratulations, you fine rare pearl.
4: Your spines are so lovely! How you get so pretty?
2-3: Itty bitty Infant Cactus
0-1: Congratulations. You are human.
Sound familiar? Anyone? If you love a Candied Cactus, a simple thank you for the translation will do. (wink) Consider yourself - you're welcomed! A little funny…probably. Healthy self-assessment can cause a little chuckle. Coming from a dark place…most likely. True, absolutely. So let me speak very clearly and directly to you for a moment. The qualities are not the problem, the why is. Now, I am not being critical here. I want you to understand, I think you are imperfectly perfect but you need to know something today. The whys: These are unhealthy trauma responses that leave our emotions unattended to. AKA: Take care of others before we take care of ourselves. And before you know it, you’ve spent so long taking care of others, you’ve stopped nurturing yourself. Should I say it again? You’ve spent so long taking care of others, you’ve stopped nurturing yourself. You may feel personally attacked here and I don’t mean to be harsh but STAHP. Just STAHP. This martyr attitude has gotten me deep in a pile of dog doo a time or two (hundred).
What stunts your growth.
Trauma leaves us small. Whatever takes you to your knees in life is a difficult feat to come back from. We learn to operate in a very small existence. Blending in and sitting
still is something we take comfort in. For it is in the blending in, that we believe the safety is in numbers. Maybe if we stay small and fail to take up space, we will be able to be the observer more than an active participant.
So, take up space. Now, that is a whole full-on vibe. I am currently teaching myself this concept. Stand in my space. Stand in my truth. Take a stand. Trauma does this to us. It shows us who is boss and most of the time, it is the demons not us. This leaves us feeling disconnected from our bodies and makes it hard for us to claim space for ourselves. We give everyone else our space. Until we feel smothered. Trapped. And a caged cactus is not a happy cactus. It creates the optimal environment for observing our lives instead of living them. Human-doing not human being. Is this hitting home?
Failing to take up your space, sweet cactus, will leave your proverbial pot empty, thirsty for approval from others and your spines falling out. Eeek. Good news though, as cacti folk, we can grow those spines right back with time and a little tlc. You may be thinking why would I want more spines?!?! Remember your spines are the thing that makes you - you. They have developed for a purpose. They are lifelines and life guides but calling attention to what is not working for us is another important growth activity. And growth is a good thing!
So what am I really saying?
Don’t be afraid to take inventory of where you are not living fully in your moments. Take up your space, dammit. You have earned it. You’ve done the hard things. You have the tools to connect with others when you stand in the space that was made for you.
Small talk issues, aside, YOU have some things to say. When a Cactus finds his/her voice, watch out world. Some honest truths are about to hit the fan. Cacti folks will from time to time come out of left field with the most profound insight if you give them the space to do it. Just like growing a plant, sometimes, we need a bigger pot. Our everyday life circumstances may not allow for that bigger pot. You may have to trade that job, relationship, career, debt, perfectionism, etc. in for a bigger pot. You may need the freedom to allow your roots to stretch their legs a bit. What would that look like for you if you allowed yourself room to grow?
And guys and gals, If you are lucky enough to know a Cactus, cozy up to them. Give them a chance to sprout their beautiful spines, share their truth bombs, and get into the deep soil with them. You won’t regret it.
And beautiful cacti, consider getting a bigger pot.
Natalie Blackmon, M.S. Human Development and Leadership
Trauma Informed Yoga Instructor
Editor Credits: Becky Simmons
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