This one still stings for me a bit. I’ve spent the better part of my life trying to find reasons why I can’t do something or that isn’t a safe choice or ‘I can’t…I have to wash my dog tonight’ excuses. Full disclosure: I don’t have a dog. If I use this excuse on you, please no questions. I might accuse you of being paparazzi, tell you please no pictures, and then it just gets awkward.
Ugh…I really don’t want to talk about this. But I know I should. One of the side effects of being a Cacti is being incredibly intuitive and we really listen when we are being spoken to. We take mental notes. We pull every single conversation apart into millions of pieces and we dissect those into sub-groups and then form special committees in our head to chair each subgroup and have meetings about the meetings prior to the meeting about the presentation. And then we stress over it for a few days and then each subgroup gives a presentation about how many different ways this could go terribly wrong and end up with either me in a crippling anxiety attack or, well never mind, there is no or. It ends with an anxiety attack.
And here we are at this big ol’ nasty spine: You will say NO to an opportunity for fear of the list of things that probably has a tiny chance of actually happening. Oh, and we can miss out on so much life this way. Remember it is not because you want to be by yourself but this is because it feels safe to you. Assign this to your Trauma Response file folder in subgroup #2 of your conversation analysts. Right? This is soooo maddening. It is the only thing we can truly control as the anxiety drives the crazy train full speed ahead. If we could control the thoughts and the anxiety, we would. I cannot tell you the number of times that I tried to find the why behind my anxiety instead of just letting it be what it needed to be. And it was always in my most desperate moments that the questions came and the need to make it make sense was so strong. It needed to run the course but I also had to make sure it did not kill me in the process. It is a hell of a course. Geez.
We all experience anxiety from time to time. It is one of our feeling words. However this anxiety that I speak of is different. It is the crippling kind. If you’ve experienced anxiety that looks like mine, you are shaking your head emphatically yes right now. Maybe you even say YES aloud because you feel this in your roots. (Tip: If you are reading this in public you might want to act as if you are talking to someone on the phone so you don’t scare anyone thinking you are having a full on conversation with yourself right now!)
What’re you gonna do?
Cactus, we, are a weathered group. We spend a lot of time out in the harsh conditions but just because we are accustomed to it does not mean we have to endure the savage forecast indefinitely. You can choose to get off the rollercoaster of panic attacks and deep, dark sadness. You can choose to no longer subscribe to that being your reality. I’ve always loved this parable even before I knew I was a fight, flight, fawn-er.
Parable of the Drowning Man
A storm descends on a small town, and the downpour soon turns into a flood. As the waters rise, the local preacher kneels in prayer on the church porch, surrounded by water. By and by, one of the townsfolk comes up the street in a canoe.
"Better get in, Preacher. The waters are rising fast."
"No," says the preacher. "I have faith in the Lord. He will save me."
Still the waters rise. Now the preacher is up on the balcony, wringing his hands in supplication, when another guy zips up in a motorboat.
"Come on, Preacher. We need to get you out of here. The levee's gonna break any minute."
Once again, the preacher is unmoved. "I shall remain. The Lord will see me through."
After a while the levee breaks, and the flood rushes over the church until only the steeple remains above water. The preacher is up there, clinging to the cross, when a helicopter descends out of the clouds, and a state trooper calls down to him through a megaphone.
"Grab the ladder, Preacher. This is your last chance."
Once again, the preacher insists the Lord will deliver him.
And, predictably, he drowns.
A pious man, the preacher goes to heaven. After a while he gets an interview with God, and he asks the Almighty, "Lord, I had unwavering faith in you. Why didn't you deliver me from that flood?"
God shakes his head. "What did you want from me? I sent you two boats and a helicopter."
-Author Unknown
One Tip for Your Survival Kit
I promised when we first started this exploration journey together that I would always tell you the truth. I am a Christian and I spend time daily with the One who sees the whole picture. I know sometimes I have a potty mouth. Don’t tell my momma, she already knows. I’m working on it so you need not bring it to my attention, I know. So with that out of the way, I need you to know that I will never use my faith as a weapon against anyone. Therefore, this needs to be said. No amount of praying or trying to do good gets you better.
If you are a pray-er, absolutely keep praying but I don’t want you to listen to those who say a spiritual component is the only way toward wellness. It may be part of your wellness but if a prayer alone could fix my anxiety and depression I would have been well a long time ago. If you are a well-wisher reading this and you’ve uttered this phrase before to someone in the thick of it, do me a favor, stop. Sit with someone, offer to pray with them but don’t make this out to be a thing they can undo. If it was a thing that could be easily undone with just the right faith, I would have saved a whole lot of money and pharmacy trips. I am someone who has prayed fervently for healing and I got my answers. They were just in the form of good therapists, knowledgeable physicians, my supportive tribe who loves me without conditions, and good ol’ fashioned hard headedness that we, cacti, often possess. Those were my two boats and one helicopter.
Like the old adage, I can wait for the lifeline but I may be waiting the best years of my life away. Or I can choose to open my eyes and look around me. Start to see the color in my world, in our world. I can take that first step, I know because I did. You can take that first step too. What are you waiting on? Anxiety is a strong force, like flood waters sweeping through your church. Stop waiting for the deliverance from your own misery. Take the first boat or the second or the helicopter. Cacti’s we love water and we store it well but even we can become waterlogged. Don’t miss all the chances waiting for the things that set you free.
First step: Set. Yourself. Free. Enough is enough. Acknowledge that anxiety just is and the sooner you accept that the closer you are to that very lifeboat that is being sent your way. Also you must be willing to do something different than you have ever done before. Doing the same thing over and over makes you a hamster on a wheel. You’re running plenty hard but you are going in circles. You’ve waited long enough, precious one.
Where’s the Lesson?
Here is a chance to refine your prickly self for the better. We are close to perfect but not quite so, yes, cacti we can refine our spines. Spine: You will say NO to an opportunity for fear of the list of things that probably has a tiny chance of actually happening. Honor your boundaries but always work to inch your way forward. Usually asking yourself what is the worst that can happen and exploring that reasoning will help you make wise choices on what is violating your boundary and what is expanding your boundary. We have boundaries for a reason so see where you can learn to allow more flexibility for you to stretch your roots.
Come back to the root of who you are. Find him/her among the rubble and dust yourself off. You may have to get into recovery and stay in recovery. You may have to create boundaries between you and the toxic sludge that may be in your life. You may even have to walk away from the comfortable to find the breath-taking views that will not be the anxiety attack that you are used to. You may have to reach out and finally get into therapy. You truly have everything to lose if you don’t. You can only swim for so long. You are no match for the ocean’s currents and tides. Get a life preserver. Get a boat. Get a buddy who can help keep you afloat. Get up and reclaim you.
Here's your next move.
If you are reading this and everything feels as if it is in shambles right now - it will not last forever. The sun is gonna shine again even if you don’t know it yet. I promise that if you keep moving and growing and learning and seeking to understand yourself in ways you’ve never considered important, life change will happen. You can begin to do the things that can bring you into the light and free from the shade of all the other noise around you. Stand up, cactus.
I had to learn to grow wild. It is an art. I had to learn to do different things because the same things weren’t making a difference. I had to go further, run harder (well some days I was literally at a crawl but I crawled hard), think one deliberate step in front of the other every day. No that doesn’t mean I was swimming the ocean part of the triathlon; it simply meant that I was clawing my way back to myself. I was allowing ALL the feelings. I was doing the hard work in therapy. I stopped punishing myself for the things I couldn’t control. I accepted the things I could work on and committed (there’s that STOOOPID word again) my best effort to seeing myself through this process. I showed up for myself in moments that I never would have before. I placed my needs at the top for once. There is no shame or sin in this. The shame and sin is never allowing yourself to imagine and find a place of freedom from the 1000 pound elephants you are trying to, unsuccessfully, lug around. I had to learn the word No for me and let everyone else be okay with my answer.
Grow wild already.
Natalie Blackmon, M.S. Human Development and Leadership
Trauma Informed Yoga Instructor
Editor Credits: Becky Simmons
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